Sunday, December 11, 2005

Agoraphobia or simple anger?

If you have ever had the joy of going out in public with me, especially a public plagued by large crowds, I'm sure you will attest to the fact that I become a little skittish around all of the people. Skittish isn't exactly the word, actually. Uncontrollably rage filled, that's probably more accurate.

I don't know why, but I hate all of the people. I don't like crowds, especially because they all gather directly in front of me. And then they mossie along, enjoying the sights. We all have a mission in life, people, and you're slowing me down!! If I'm shopping, my mission is stop shopping as soon as possible. Please get out of my way. A sidewalk or hallway is not an appriopriate place to stop and hang out with your friends or your children or your skeevy boyfriend/girlfriend. The mall is a place with a purpose, not aimless gathering. You are hall tumors, a plague on all of society.

I know that I am not special. Just because I want to walk faster than everyone else doesn't mean that they should all bow down to my whims. But it does make good fiscal sense that the stores of the mall should work to keep the crowds moving along. Just like with the moving sidewalk at the airport which gets people point A to point B faster, holiday shoppers should be shuffled along these congested mall walkways. Much like the bullet train attendants of Japan's overcrowded commuter systems, malls could hire armies to keep the crowds moving. This would serve the stores' purposes by ensuring that the maximum amount of eager shoppers would pass by their windows. The malls wouldn't have to worry about creating more parking spaces because people wouldn't be wasting time taking up spaces. Everyone would be happier and probably spend more money, helping the economy. It's really a fantastic solution. I think I need to take this idea somewhere.


nevermind said...

Then after a horrible afternoon in the mall you go home and find that your enormous Christmas tree has eaten all of the leftover Chinese food out of the fridge.

Katie said...

dearest lizzie
i was very pleased to see you mention
the classic tumor logic
well done!
(but i think you meant "mosey"
not "mossie")

i have similar feelings as you do
this is a sign that we are related
and i sign i should move out of nyc
do you need another roommate?
and can you support me?